Josephs Story

On christmas eve 2005 we got the news we had been praying for - I was pregnant! We were over the moon to be having a baby brother or sister for our little boy Lewis and to complete our family.

At our 20 weeks scan we found out we were having a boy, and we named him Joseph. We had never been happier.

At 28 weeks we had a 4D scan and watched in total amazement at our little boy kicking, yawning, stretching. It made it all so very real and we were even more impatient to meet him!

Our nightmare started on tuesday the 18th July at 9.15am in my final month of pregnancy. 

During a routine appointment to be monitored the midwife was unable to find the heartbeat. I wasnt overly panicked as she reassured me that he had probably just turned position and said just to be on the safe side she would get me onto the bed and have a listen for the heartbeat that way.
As I lay on the bed I saw a look in her eyes that told me something was seriously wrong and immediately started crying and panicking. By this point unbeknown to me, one of the other midwifes had come to the carpark to fetch Steven to tell him to come in as there was a problem. After trying unsuccessfully for ten minutes to locate the heartbeat I was taken to a private room and told to wait for a scan. Its all quite hazy because obviously I was in such a state, but I just kept saying over and over again 'hes gone, it feels all wrong'. My stomach just felt wrong, I cant explain but I just knew he had gone. Steven was trying so hard to remain positive bless him. 

Within minutes, but what felt like hours, I was lay on the bed again and the sonographer started the scan. I couldnt bear to look and just heard him say 'Im sorry your baby has died'. It was one of those moments that you never EVER imagine having to experience, and when it does happen its like you just rise out of your body and its all happening to someone else. I cant even tell you what happened next. I dont even remember getting downstairs back to the private room or being given a cup of tea. All I remember are bits and pieces and being told I would have to go to the hospital and be induced and give birth to my baby. It was all a blur, I was shaking with shock, inconsolable, hysterical and yet part of me kept hoping and praying that they had made a big mistake. 

By 11.30 I had been home, packed my hospital bag, phoned my parents, arranged someone to collect Lew and was on my way to the hospital in total shock and disbelief. When we got the the hospital we were taken straight to our room and told that at 12pm I would have the first prostin (?) gel capsule inserted into the cervix and take it from there. 

Within ten minutes of them inserting the capsule I was having contractions, my stomach was going rock hard and the midwife was convinced that it was going to be a VERY quick labour! I was relieved to think it would soon be over and yet scared that when it was, my baby would be gone. 

My contractions continued throughout the afternoon but after being examined at 6pm it was found I was only 1cm dilated and I was given another round of the prostin gel. By this point I was getting tired and upset as it all seemed to be dragging on, and I was also in a lot of pain with the contractions. Being the martyr that I am, I refused all pain relief at this point as in some weird way the physical pain helped ease the emotional pain! 

By 12am after 12 hours of contractions and 2 rounds of prostin I was examined again and told that I was 1-2 cm dilated and was given another lot of prostin gel. By this time I was so sore from all of the physical examinations and each time was just getting more and more painful. I felt totally out of it with tiredness and hysterical from crying. 

Throughout the night my contractions continued to come every few minutes, immensely painful and I was getting more and more distressed at the thought of my baby being born and it all becoming a reality. At 6am after what felt like the longest night ever, I was examined again and told I was 'maybe 2-3 cm' and was given a FOURTH lot of prostin gel. I was in agony and begged them to break my waters but was told they were unable to do this as there could be an infection. At this point they reccomended I have some pain killers which I took and prepared myself for the birth.... 

At 12pm, 24 hours after the first lot of prostin, I was given a FIFTH lot and told that if I didnt go into labour after the sixth one, they would be taking me down for a c-section. 

The contractions were almost constant and Ste was getting upset at how much pain I was in. I started on the gas and air which helped slightly but also managed to send me completely insane! I was going from crying, to laughing, to being sick,..it was all just a total nightmare! 

FINALLY, 28 hours later, at 3.30pm they examined me again and said I was 4cm. I was ready to cut the baby out of me myself by this point and was not coping with the pain and the emotional side of things. The midwife was so upset at how badly things were going that she left the room to go and plead with the doctor to allow her to break my waters. As she left the room I felt the urge to push and as she came running back in she delivered Joseph with one small push at 3.44pm on the 19th July weighing 4lb 12.5oz.

The physical pain was a piece of cake compared to the emotional pain I felt at that moment. Stupidly I asked her 'Is he alive?' and I could see it broke her heart that she had to say to me 'No hes dead'. It was like all of my hopes and wishes were just crushed, everythign I had been clinging on to throughout the labour was just over. I knew he was dead, they had told me he was dead...but part of me was hoping for a miracle. 

I refused to hold him immediately after the birth, I was terrified of seeing him. It was Ste who picked him up and held him close and with tears in his eyes he said to me 'He looks just like Lewis' at which point I dared to look over and sure enough he was perfect, a mass of dark hair, dark red lips and Lewis's stumpy little nose. Holding him for the first time was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. His body was still warm and wrapped in the blanket you could bearly tell that he wasnt breathing. Exhaustion just seemed to take over and I fell asleep, waking an hour later to see steven still sat there cradling his son..it totally broke my heart. 

The midwives came back in at this point and helped us to bath Joseph, measured him, weighed him, took his footprints and hand prints and cut a lock of his hair for us to keep. I had a bath, got dressed and we were taken to a lovely room downstairs especially for parents to stay in with their babies. 

We must have held him for hours, just looking at him and holding and kissing him, talking to him and telling him how loved he was. We took photos and lay down with him to sleep and just spent the night as close to him as we could be. Neither of us were ready to say goodbye, and leaving the following morning was the hardest thing. Kissing him goodbye and knowing that the next time I woudl see him would be in the funeral home was a nightmare. I knew his face would change, his body would grow colder and I felt awful for leaving him. If I had the choice at that moment in time I woudl have laid down with him and died, just to be near to him. 

To us, Joseph was perfect. He was the most beautiful little boy and we are so proud of him. Sadly at our 6 weeks follow up appointment we were told that Joseph was suspected to have had Downs Syndrome and in some way this caused his death. We were devastated to hear the findings from the genetics testing, and so sad that our little boy could not live.  There was never any proof that Joseph had Downs, and in my heart of hearts I do not believe that there was enough (if anything) to base this suggestion on. In my darker moments I force myself to believe that perhaps this was the case and our little boy would have suffered with complications as a result.

There has not been a single day since he left that we do not think of him. He has left the biggest void in our lives that nobody will ever fill. Our son Lewis has lost his baby brother, and we have lost a child and the future we had planned. 

We miss and love you so much Joseph Emmerson, you were too perfect for this world. 

Sleep tight little baby with your three brothers or sisters in heaven,

Mummy, Daddy & Lewis 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxp.s.d.fxxxxxxxx


Poems from the funeral

When the darkness of the evening
Crowds away the sun's last rays
And you lift your eyes to Heaven,
You may see a brand new blaze.
It's brilliant and it's lovely,
And it's shining just for you.
It's a brand new star in heaven,
Lit to welcome someone new.
Though your days may seem much longer
Since he had to cross that line,
If you lift your eyes to Heaven,
You will see that he still shines.
It's just a soft reminder
That although he is gone
As long as you let love grow,
His little light shines on.
And though you want him in your arms,
He's safe as he can be,
for he's in the arms of angels
And most perfect company.
And even in the morning,
Stars are lost in light of day,
Your little one is shining,
And not so far away. 


Hugs From Heaven

When you feel a gentle breeze
caress you when you sigh,
It's a hug sent from Heaven
from a loved one way up high.

If a soft and tender raindrop
lands upon your nose,
It's just a little angel's kiss
as fragile as a rose.

When you hear a song
that fills you with a feeling of sweet love,
It's a hug sent down from Heaven
from someone special up above.

If you wake up in the morning
to a bluebird's chirping song,
It's music sent from Heaven
to cheer you all day long.

If tiny little snowflakes
land upon your face,
It's a whisper sent from Heaven
all trimmed with angel lace.

So let your heart be joyful
if you're lonely, my dear friend,
Hugs that are sent from Heaven
a broken heart will mend. 


For Joseph 

To some you are forgotten,
to others, just the past,
but to us who loved and lost you,
your memory will always last.

I'll always be there with you,
and watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
that's my halo shining bright.

You'll see me in the morning frost
that mists your windowpane.
That's me, in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a gentle breeze
from a gentle wind that blows,
That's me! I'll be there,
planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing
and your heart feels a little tug...
That's me! I'll be there,
giving your heart a hug.
So, daddy please don't look so sad.
Mummy don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of friends,
and they sing me lullabies. 


A visitor from Heaven 

A visitor from Heaven
if only for awhile
A gift of love to be returned
We think of you and smile

A visitor from Heaven
accompanied by grace
reminding of a better love
and of a better place

With aching hearts and empty arms
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came

A visitor from Heaven
if only for a day
We thank Him for the time He gave
and now it's time to say

We trust you to the Father's love
and to His tender care
Held in the everlasting arms
and we're so glad you're there

With breaking hearts and open hands
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came. 


Mother Please don't mourn me...

Mother, please don't mourn for me;
I'm still here, though you don't see
I'm right by your side each night and day,
And within your heart, I long to stay.

My body is gone, but I'm always near;
I'm everything, you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart,
As long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I'll never wander out of your sight;
I'm the brightest star on a summer night.
I'll never be beyond your reach;
I'm the warm, moist sand when you're at the beach.

I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around,
And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond,
The clear, cool water in a quiet pond.

I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring;
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
And you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there's no one to love you;
You can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees.
And you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I'm the hot, salty tears that flow when you weep.
And the beautiful dreams that come when you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face,
Just look for me, mum, I'm every place. 


Footprints on our Hearts

This tiny set of footprints is all we have of you.
When you were taken from us, all our hopes and dreams were too.
We miss you oh so much, Our precious little boy.
Our lives are filled with sadness now, instead of filled with joy.

Our arms are empty, Our eyes are filled with tears.
You were what we'd waited for, for oh so many years.
You were so very beautiful. Perfect hands and feet, tiny nose and eyes.
What we would have given though, just to hear you cry.

Coming home without you wasn't what we'd dreamed.
Looking at your empty crib makes me want to scream.
We had so many plans for you, So many things to do.
Now we're left with shattered dreams, crying without you.

We wish you could have stayed with us, We loved you from the start.
Now all we have are memories, And your footprints on our hearts. 


The Child in My Heart

Precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother.
He'll always be your dad.
You'll always be our child,
The child we never had

But now you're gone...but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never
The child we had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.


I Cannot say

I cannot say, and I will not say
That he is dead-he is just away!
With a cheery smile, and the wave of a hand,
He has wandered into an unknown land,
And left us dreaming how very fair
It needs must be, since he lingers there;
So think of him faring on, as dear
In the love of there as the love of here;
Think of him the same, I say:
He is not dead-she is just away!
To My Dearest Family
Where I dwell, there is no pain
There is no cold, no dreary rain
I find a rainbow every day
And touch the sun's most warming rays
I know you wish that I were there
So you could hug and hold me near
So you would see my bright eyes shine
Yet I am yours and you are mine
You ponder years that'll come and go
The little one you won't watch grow
But treasure me safely within your hearts
For there we shall not be apart
I gaze on you from heaven above
I sense your thoughts and feel your love
Please realise, here I am at peace
I pray some of your pain may cease
God did not create a "never" Hence,
once again we'll be together
Until such time that we shall meet
In altered words may I repeat:
I am safe...I am with you...
I Love You 


An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone,
This world was worthy not of me,
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be
God doesn't make mistakes,"
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An angel never dies. 


Joseph

I carried you so lovingly,
Within my gentle womb...
And little did I realise,
Your life would end too soon.

I never got the chance to say
"I love you, little one"...
Before I held you in my arms,
Your life on earth was done.

The grief is indescribable,
To lose a child this way...
All the many hopes and dreams,
Just vanished on that day.

I know I'll see the sun shine bright
Upon my baby's face...
When I finally get to heaven,
All my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
As angels two by two...
We'll have a sweet reunion
This mother's dream come true 



To lose a child

When you lose a parent, you lose your past.
When you lose a spouse, you lose your present...
But when you lose a child, you lose your future.

A wife who loses her husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses his wife is called a widower.
A child who loses their parents is called an orphan.
There is no word for a parent who loses a child...
That's how awful the loss is. 


Our angel

Though your feet never got to walk,
Your delicate footprints will always be etched in my soul.
Though your eyes never got to weep,
Your silver tears will always haunt my dreams.
Though your lungs never got to fill,
Your undrawn breath will always drift in my breast.
Though your fingers never got to reach,
Your golden touch will always be imprinted on my palm.
Though your lips never got to move,
Your silent words will always echo in my mind.
Though your heart never got to love,
Your beautiful spirit will always be cradled in my arms. 


Poem from the funeral

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birds circled in flight.
I am the soft star that shines by night,
I am the flowers that bloom by day,
I am the fragrance of new mown hay
I am each blade of grass that grows,
I am the rush of melting snow.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.


Josephs first Christmas

Christmas will be hard this year
It should have been your first
Instead of being our best yet
It will no doubt be our worst.

We wrap up presents, write out cards
And join in the festive cheer
Yet all the while our hearts just ache
Because you are not here.

Reminders of you are everywhere,
Christmas angels on the tree,
Stockings on the fire-place
Not four now, just the three.

Toys and presents fill the shops
All the things that we would buy
But do not worry Joseph,
We will send them to the sky.

For we wrote to father Christmas
To tell him where you are
And he knows to bring your presents
To the brightest shining star. 



Joseph

When you see a rainbow or feel the Autumn Breeze
Or see the Summer sunshine or Spring flowers on the trees
Remember that I am with you and forever I will be
By your side for always, just look and you will see.

You may see me as a snowflake dancing through the sky
You may hear me in the music of a soothing lullaby
I may be there as a shining star in the sky at night
Just look up and youll see me sparkling and bright.

And when you are struggling and see no end in sight
I will be there right beside you holding you so tight
Youll feel my butterfly kisses and I will hold your hand
And listen to your worries and always understand.

I know this isn’t easy and you wish I could be there
But trust me when I tell you that I am everywhere
So when you feel lonely and sad that we are apart
Just look inside yourself and youll find me in your heart 




Our angel

When the test showed a cross we just couldn’t believe
That our dreams and our wishes were true
We laughed and we cried and we planned a life time
And thanked God for the wonder of you.

As the days turned to weeks our smiles and hopes grew
And we shared our news with such joy
We told our son how a baby would come
And we secretly hoped for a boy!

And on the scan there you were, so perfectly formed
It was love at first sight for us all
It was hard to believe that those kicks I could feel
Could be caused by feet oh so small.

For that eight whole months you gave us the world
And we loved you right from the start
We shopped till we dropped as weeks turned to months
Until the day when our lives fell apart.

In just one tiny moment all our dreams were shattered
We refused to believe it was true
But then there you were with your mop of black hair
And we asked God why he had to choose you. 



Mummys poem

Although I may smile and tell you I’m fine
When you ask how I am since he died
Just take a look at the grief in my eyes
And see that I’m crying inside. .

And if I should say that I don’t need your help
Or make excuses to spend time apart
See that I’m hurting and feel my pain
And know this is breaking my heart.

When I laugh and I joke and say I’m okay
As you try your best to understand
Ignore the mask – its all an act
Please reach out and take my hand

Sometimes it is easier to say that ‘I am fine’
Then admit that my heart is now broken
Although on the outside it may seem I’m okay
There is so much that remains unspoken. 



WHY

Everything happens for a reason
Or so a wise man said
I find it hard to comprehend
Now that you are dead.

What reason could there ever be
To take away a mothers son
A baby with all their life ahead
Who did no harm to anyone.

Some say that it was meant to be
You were too perfect for this earth
But we were cheated of our little one
On the day that I gave birth.

Now all that’s left is anger
And we sit and question WHY
But there will never be an answer
Why my baby had to di 


For Mummy

Mummy please stop crying
I am safe and feel no pain
Im happy here in Heaven
And on earth you must remain.

I promise I am always with you
I keep you safe at night
I feel your pain and sorrow
I am your guiding light.

For me now life is over
But you have yours ahead
Remember me and love me
But smile for me instead.

For Im here with the angels
And although now I am gone
I will be with you forever
And my spirit will live on. 



For Daddy


Daddy, I never met you
Or looked into your eyes
But I know how much you loved me
I was watching from the skies.

I see that you are hurting
And how you miss me every day
Believe me I am with you
And I will wipe your tears away.

You will always be my Daddy
And your son I’ll always be
Next time you see a rainbow
Just stop and think of me.

For I am always here with you
In the sun, the wind, the rain
Im right there in your heartbeat
And I feel your every pain 







"Some people can only

dream of angels,

but we held one in our

arms"